She said:
“Hey Mark,
“I really like what you've got here. Wish I could here the music to go with it. Since you have the chorus right off, which can be so cool, I get the feeling this is at least a mid-tempo song. Since you have your first four lines of the first verse entirely of the same rhyme ending reading it feels a little forced, but the music obviously would add all the difference and soften that. I really like the line "Each bite tasted so much richer than the last one I'd buy". Good visual there. Your pre-chorus lines of verse two "I don't remember why I felt so full so long ago. I need to find the place where I felt what I needed to know" work okay, but (just my opinion here) could be stronger visually and a bit more powerful to me, especially since it's the lead into your second chorus and I'm sure comes with a big build. Way cool, let us here it as soon as you can.
“Julie
“PS, you are on the verge of country here which means it would have to be country rock, because you are Mark Hansen, and turn the verses into a story if you dare to go there.”
I think she’s right in a lot of her comments. I, personally, kinda like my rhyme scheme, so, for now, I’m not changing that. However, I knew those lines at the end of the climbs were weak to begin with. I could tell that even as I wrote them. So, when she pointed that out, I knew they needed to be changed.
There were a few other minor tweaks that I put in as I was practicing up at the hospital the other day. Here’s the newest, most current version:
Tenth and Main
By Mark Hansen
7/27/2010
Intro Chorus
There used to be a church at the corner of tenth and main
When I was a kid, I used to go there again and again
I went to find some hope, a break from the fear and pain
I remember the love at the corner of tenth and main
Verse 1
The city streets are alive with the breath of commotion
They give me whatever I want, when I have the notion
They try to fill my empty soul with coins and potions
But mostly they just keep me spinning around in motion
I'm looking for the place where I stood so long ago
I need to find the place that I thought I had outgrown
Chorus:
I need to find the church at the corner of tenth and main
When I was a kid, I used to go there again and again
I need to find some hope here at the corner of fear and pain
I remember the love at the corner of tenth and main
Verse 2:
There was so much out in the great big world to buy
Each bite tasted so much richer than the last one I'd tried
I wanted to know them all and to make them mine
The emptiness that haunts me now is keeping me crying
I don't remember why I felt so full so long ago
I need to find the place where where my cup used to overflow
Chorus
Instrumental verse
I'm looking for the place where I stood so long ago
I know I turned and walked away from it, but even so...
Chorus
Can you help me find the church at the corner of tenth and main
When I was a kid, I used to go there again and again
Help me find some hope here at the corner of fear and pain
I remember the love at the corner of tenth and main
I’m going to throw this open to you folks as well. As you read this, do you have any suggestions or ideas? Here are some questions you can answer that will help me refine it even more:
- What’s the main point/message of the song? Can you sum up the song in one short statement?
- What’s the strongest line?
- What’s the weakest line?
- What do you like best about the song?
- What do you like least about the song?
Just pop your ideas into the comments box below. If this works out, I might do this with all of the tunes I write!
Come back often to hear about new songs and shows. Mark also has other sites and blogs, including his Dutch Oven blog: Mark's Black Pot and his LDS pop culture blog: MoBoy blog.
Mark's Other Blog Posts: Dutch Oven Swirled Bread Redux, New LDS Church Members Website, name post,
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